october 13th.

today was what i can call a good day. i went to my 9am lectures, had an apple for breakfast, hungout with my friends. went to workout with my newly wed lighthearted personal instructor. got to try some new clothes on, felt pretty. hungout with B. it was great to see him again, i forgot how awkwardly funny he is. renewed my website for obvious pathetic purposes, what once was born to be truly my own, is now a tool to occasionally showcase my loneliness. we talked of love, all kinds of it. he said with no fun, love is business, therefore love can be defined by the amount of fun you’re having. to be a lover is to be a jester. as my late rumination continues, i begin to remember everything i made myself forget. and although i feel like i am the only one playing the game, just by accident i constantly get reminded of his presence. it lingers, its weirdly close, suspiciously far. zhutko gromko, zapredelno blizko. i said, i am afraid ive never truly loved anyone, and am only capable of self-induced infatuation, and hatred. funnily enough, there isn’t a single scenario where i didn’t care.

on the way back ive decided to walk a couple blocks in my deeply uncomfortable shoes. the prada boots knifed into my flesh, peeling the back of my foot as i desperately ran back to check polcarstva. for some reason i wanted to win. five is five, checkmate. at some point i thought i was hallucinating. i take the longer way home despite the blood filling up the back of my shoe, just in case i spot his olive green car by the entrance. i don’t.

the blood is not a sanctuary, the pain is not symbolic, what is – is, what isn’t – just isn’t.

im piercing through my days on purpose in case i find something familiar to cling onto. while i was bleeding like a restless knight, A asked me to confess my love for him. i said, im staring into the windows of my parents’ apartment, looking to see if there is any light in the kitchen, like a homeless animal. say you love me. i keep seeking a sign of them being fine without me, despite me not being home for days. tell me that you care. i wonder if my mom is home. say that you will visit and see me soon. i wonder, why isn’t her door to the balcony wide open, because usually at that hour, she smokes. tell me you love me.

i teeth out a generous amount of kind words, as soft as i can trench out of myself. i will come and see you soon. i love you. im sorry. i can’t remember the last time i’ve truly meant those words.